The posts are vague because I'm embarassed to think this shit.

So happy for you, so resigned to another friendship lost.

I'm addicted to you and for all the most fucked up reasons.

I don't feel like I have any hobbies anymore.

Must finish writing all these damned ordered from January 5 before I can allow myself the luxury of food.

Now I can't even seem to be able to get on Facebook at all from work.

So much for being able to keep track of anything in my friends' lives.

The shittyass old version of explorer I use at work isn't letting me post on FB now, so I guess I'll be on here more often.

And now, the FB status I was intending to make:

"feeling usurped, abused and isolated"

Lose some weight.
Kill the credit card bill completely.
Eat better.
Eat cheaper.
Convert all my LPs to MP3.
Buy more pants.
Have more fun.
Call more people.
Figure out more things to do with my hair other than up or down.
???
Profit

I have a great deal of difficulty comprehending admiration when it is directed at me. I feel wholly unremarkable and being elevated by my peers is somewhat disconcerting.

And just to avoid any confusion or misunderstanding, I'm not implying that droves of people flock to me to bask in my glory: when we were at a party last night, it was mildly disorienting to be told by a few people whom I hadn't really met previous to that night that I am awesome - as a consequence I've been mulling over both the events and my reactions to it all day

We went to a Christmas party at Harry and Rachel's on Friday, much wine was a consumed, and got to see Bill for the first time in God knows how long. It was super fantabulous, even if I got yelled at for singing too loudly (wasn't my fault, that new-fangled mic was all jacked up and I had people singing off key behind me). I also maybe made forward progress toward actually seeing people on a more regular basis (I wouldn't presume to call it making new friends), and I'll be keeping everyone posted on how that goes.

Last night was Ken's office Christmas party, it was fairly entertaining. Ken went home early because he wasn't feeling so hot, and I stayed to play designated driver for two other people, and ended up bringing them back to our place to hang out, along with another co-worker of Ken's whom we'd never hung out with before, but seemed like a pretty cool guy.

Yeah . . . he was cool enough that we COMPLETELY lost track of time just jibberjabbering with him and suddenly it was 4am. That made for a mildly rough morning because the cats still want breakfast at 7.

Now I'm doing copious loads of laundry while Ken snoozes on the couch - he's finally gotten his scheduled holiday illness. This unfortunately means that the roof is not getting swept off today and the lawn is not getting mowed, but I'm not quite a big enough bitch to hold it against him when he's genuinely bleck. With ye ol' draconian policies at his job, he can use all the rest he can get today since calling in sick is practically forbidden.

I'm feeling vaguely chatty and social at the moment, but alas, I don't feel like putting on clothing or leaving the house, so I'm likely not going to be interacting with anyone but the lump of husband on the couch.

I also kinda feel like cooking, but there's just not a whole not that I can do with the stuff currently in the house, and again, I don't feel like going anywhere, so the resources available for said cookery are not going to be augmented. If I just had some kind of meat that wasn't pork, I could probably whip something together.

Christmas is in 6 days. I bought gifts for pretty much all the family that we're NOT going to see during Christmas proper, and have not found anything for the family whom we will be staying with all next week. This is probably going to end in me doing something stupid at the mall on Christmas Eve.

2010 is coming up - I shall probably reflect on 2009 as I experienced it in another post.

She'll always be the sweetest cat ever, we shall miss her greatly.

getting harder and harder to find things to be happy about

"Stole" her fridge out of her office.

I always want so desperately to be lauded and celebrated and yet am consistently given a terrible case of nervousness upon reciept of attention any more the most cursory of glances.

I've been feeling really out of the loop and cut off lately. I know everyone has been busy for the holidays, but its really disheartening to call people and be shot down time and time again. Or worse, get told that they will call me back and never actually receive another phone call from them.

I've seen three people that weren't family/coworkers in the past month. And one of them lives out of state.

How am I supposed to become better acquainted with people if they are never interested in speaking to me?

Am I not putting enough effort into trying to see people? Am I not asking the right way or at the right time? Or am I just grasping as straws hoping it's something I can fix when the real issue is that they don't actually care about hanging out and are only telling me we should to cover up ackward pauses in conversation?

Hell, and with Facebook owning the world now, no one actually reads or makes posts of any length anymore so this whole exercise is a waste of my time and yours as few will read it due to it not being on facebook.

I am very tired of having the internet do my socializing for me, but it seems that I'm not being allowed to do anything else.

Fuck cameras at holidays. If the events aren't memorable without visuals, they're not going to be any more memorable with them. And now you'll look like an asshole hauling out all your precious photos of 'lil Timmy's first time throwing up on the Christmas tree.

I'd like it if work could stop being such a dramatic clusterfuck please.

I made the call to put him down a few minutes ago. He just wasn't getting any better and a life on IVs isn't fair to him.

Needle is not doing well at all. Vet is giving him fluids and doing bloodwork to be sure there isn't some simple underlying issue, but realistically, he's a fifteen year old cat and probably not going to be around much longer.
I left work early today because I'm so upset, and the cat isn't even dead yet.

I keep trying to console myself by saying that he's had a really good life and plenty of love and care throughout, but it all just falls apart when I have to confront the fact that I don't want him to be gone.

I just had a dream about going to a showing of Twilght and getting into an argument with the author about why the books aren't good.
In my dream, however, the author wasn't Stephanie Meyer and looked like Fezzini from Princess Bride.

It's 6am on a day I don't have work. Why couldn't I have had this dream on a morning that getting up around this hour isn't stupid?

I reached out and there was nothing to reach back.

I am now enacting a campaign of preemptive rejection.